When Teens Make poor Choices: Staying Connected When It Matters Most
Wanting the Best for Our Kids
We love our kids and want what’s best for them. We want them to make choices that will help them grow into respectful, responsible adults. Yet in the process of growing up, they will sometimes blow it. This is to be expected and shouldn’t surprise us. Knowing how to respond when your teenager is making poor decisions can be a challenge. These are pivotal moments in our relationships and in our kids’ lives, we want to get them right.
When They Make Choices We Didn’t See Coming
The high school years presented our family with some challenges we weren’t prepared for. I remember times when I felt scared and confused, struggling to understand how we’d ended up here. The emotions I experienced during those times were often heavy and overwhelming.
I recall the internal tension I experienced. Loving our son so deeply, and yet feeling so disappointed in him and the decisions he was making. I worried about his future, wondered how things could have changed so much, and I felt uncertain about how we would move forward from the poor choices he was making.
Taking a Step Back
I realized that my responses in these moments truly mattered. I knew that reacting quickly and out of the intense emotions I felt, was not going to result in the best outcome. Our relationship mattered, and I knew I needed to take it slow. Though stepping back and not reacting can be very challenging, it helped me make decisions I could feel proud of later.
Raising kids can be a bit of a rollercoaster, each season of their lives brings unique joys and challenges. It’s not uncommon for parents to experience a mixture of emotions as we navigate it all. Taking a step back when we’re faced with challenges offers us the gift of time, time to think through a plan that holds our kids accountable in loving ways. As a result of stepping back, I remember feeling like we handled some tough situations well. Our relationship with our son remained strong, and he learned some valuable life lessons during those years. After all, some of our best learning happens through the process of struggle.
Why Limits Matter
We can provide consequences and build or maintain strong relationships with our kids. If relationships with your children feel strained, don’t shy away from setting limits out of fear of damaging the bond further. Kids actually crave limits, and they feel most secure when the adults in their lives set and enforce them with love.
This perspective from Love and Logic parenting has shaped the way I think about limits: We want our kids to see us as both the most powerful and the most loving people in their lives. Without loving limits, children often begin to believe, “If the adults in my life can’t handle me, I must be really bad.” You can imagine how this way of thinking might negatively shape a child’s self-concept.
Limits matter because they give children the freedom and security to enjoy life, knowing what’s expected. And when they test those limits, or break them altogether, they can expect to be held accountable. They also come to understand that consequences are delivered with love and empathy. It’s important to remember that those consequences lose their power when they’re delivered in anger. We can be truly sad for our kids when they make poor decisions and have to experience consequences, but we still hold them firmly accountable for their poor decisions.
What Limits Can Look Like
When it comes to setting and enforcing limits, I take my cue from Love and Logic parenting. We set limits by stating what we will do and what we will allow. After all, this is what’s enforceable.
When things are going well, we talk about our values, the things that matter and are important to us. As a result of these ongoing conversations, our kids understand our belief system, which we hope will help to shape their own over time.
We can set limits around the way our conversations are handled, for example:
- “I’m going to take a break from this conversation until it feels more respectful.”
- “Let’s take a break and come back to this when we’re both calmer.”
- “I care about what you have to say, and I’ll talk when it’s said respectfully.”
We can also set clear and loving limits around privileges we will allow, for example:
- “I’m happy to provide rides/privileges when things feel respectful. Right now, I’m not available to do that.”
- “This is really disappointing, I know. And the answer is still no.”
We can plug in just about any problem, and anything that we do for our kids. Depending on their age, here are some more examples you might consider:
- Driving them places (to a friends house, to the movies, shopping, etc.)
- Allowing electronics (computers or video games)
- Having a phone or service for a phone (if this is something you feel comfortable providing, it’s also something you can not provide)
- Allowing their friends to come over
- Picking up pizza or other treats they enjoy
- Paying for “extra things” like sports equipment, an instrument, lessons, etc.
- Driving them to school instead of them taking the bus
- Allowing them to drive your car, or a car you have paid for
- Doing their laundry
- Stocking the pantry with their favorite snacks
- Making their lunch
How Limits Help Kids Feel Safe
Does it make sense that a healthy parent would not do or provide all these extra things when their child is being disrespectful or making poor choices? We want our kids to understand that trust and privileges grow as they show responsibility over time.
What I love about limits is that it teaches our kids that we take good care of ourselves, which is so important for them to see. Since we are their role models, when we take good care of ourselves, they learn to do the same. I can tell you from personal experience, there is a lot of power in this strategy, and it is very simple to enforce. It’s all about what we can control (what we will do and what we allow).
When we respond to our children’s mistakes with empathy, they experience our love while we are still holding them accountable for their choices. It helps us stay connected, even in those tough moments, and gives kids the space to truly learn from their mistakes.
