Responding to Disrespect
Responding to disrespect in a healthy way can be challenging, especially because our relationships with our kids matter deeply. It feels hurtful and upsetting when we experience disrespect from them. Since we want our kids to feel loved, we prioritize respect in how we treat them, which makes it all the more painful and confusing when that respect isn’t returned.
Kids will test boundaries, that’s a normal and even healthy part of their development. They’re figuring out where the limits are, if we’ll consistently enforce them, and what consequences come from crossing those boundaries. Testing limits is also their way of asserting independence and gaining a sense of control. It’s their role to challenge limits, and it’s our role to set and maintain them consistently. One of the most powerful ways we demonstrate love as parents is by responding to disrespect with consistent, healthy boundaries. Our kids need the safety and security that loving limits provide.
I emphasize the word loving because when parents respond to disrespect with anger or frustration, it can harm both the parent-child relationship and the child’s self-esteem. The real challenge for parents is finding the balance, responding firmly, yet doing so with love and care.
This was one of the most frequent challenges we faced while raising our kids. We certainly had plenty of opportunities to practice responding to disrespect with patience and care!
Love and Logic parenting teaches about enforceable statements, setting limits by describing what we’re willing to do and what we will allow. These enforceable limits are effective because they focus on what we can control: our own actions and boundaries.
What Enforceable Limits Might Sound Like
“I’m happy to do the extra things I do for you when I feel treated with respect. The bummer is, I haven’t felt treated with respect lately, so I won’t be ______.”
“Ohhh, this is a real bummer, I won’t be available to ______ because I haven’t felt treated with respect lately.”
Clarifying What Disrespect Looks Like
“…the bummer is, when you fight with me about doing your homework, lie and say your homework is done when it’s not, constantly interrupt me, roll your eyes at me, talk back to me, use an unkind tone, call me names, hit me, don’t do the chores I ask you to do, hit your brother or sister, etc., it doesn’t feel very respectful.”
Getting Clear on “Extra Things”
“Ohhh this is so sad. I just love going to the park and had planned a fun trip for us today with some friends, but when you spoke to me in such a disrespectful tone, it really drained my energy. I just don’t think I have the energy to go and worry that you’ll talk to me like that at the park. Looks like we’ll be staying home today.”
The Importance of How We Deliver Our Message
In all communication, especially when setting limits and delivering consequences, our delivery should be loving and respectful. Our facial expressions and tone of voice need to reflect the empathy and care we feel when our children make poor choices. It’s important that they sense our genuine sadness that they have to face a consequence, not anger or frustration, showing them that consequences come from a place of love, not punishment.
We can apply this approach to any behavior our kids struggle with, whether it’s hitting, lying, fighting with a sibling, or something else. The “extra things” we choose to withhold should be activities or privileges we know our children truly value and would genuinely miss. This strategy can be especially effective in families with multiple children if one parent (or another trusted family member or friend) stays home with the child who made the poor choice, while the rest of the family enjoys the planned outing or treat. It’s important in these situations that staying home as a consequence doesn’t turn into special one-on-one time. This helps children understand that consequences result from their choices and don’t affect everyone else, reinforcing the important lesson that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
We can apply this approach to nearly any challenge or privilege, adjusting based on the child’s age. Some examples to consider include:
- Doing their laundry (For example, “I’d be happy to teach you how to use the washer and dryer. Let me know if you want help.”)
- Shopping for favorite snacks
- Making their lunch
- Taking them places (to the park, a birthday party, to the movies with the family or with their friends, shopping for something they want, etc.)
- Allowing them to have/play video games
- Allowing television time
- Having the birthday party they were hoping for (it’s okay not to provide something like this when dealing with a lot of disrespect or chronic problems)
- Having a phone or service for a phone (if this is something parents feel comfortable providing, it’s also something they can not provide)
- Supervising friends coming over
- Being available to read a story
- Picking up pizza as a treat
- Going out for ice cream
- Paying for “extra things” like sports equipment, an instrument, lessons, etc.
- Driving them to school instead of them taking the bus
- Allowing them to drive your car (for older kids)
Does it make sense that a healthy parent would not do all of these extra things when their child is being disrespectful, not contributing to the family household, or creating other difficulties in the home?
Absolutely, it makes perfect sense! In fact, withholding certain privileges or “extra things” when a child is being disrespectful, not contributing, or causing challenges at home is a healthy and appropriate way for parents to set boundaries and teach responsibility. It helps kids understand that respect and cooperation are expected parts of family life, and that privileges are earned, not automatic.
This approach supports a balanced, loving environment where children learn consequences for their actions while still feeling valued and supported.
What I love about this strategy is that it shows our kids we prioritize taking good care of ourselves, something incredibly important for them to witness. As their role models, when we set healthy boundaries and practice self-care, they learn to value and care for themselves too. There’s real power in this approach, and it’s surprisingly simple to put into practice. It’s all about focusing on what we can control: what we will do and what we will allow.
Setting and enforcing limits may bring some short-term challenges, but the long-term benefits for our kids and families are truly worth it. When children grow up within the security of loving boundaries, they feel safe and supported. These limits teach them valuable lessons that prepare them for life beyond our homes. Ultimately, we are equipping them to become independent, responsible, and compassionate adults.
