Responding to Academic Struggles

Responding to Academic Challenges with Love and Support

It can be hard to know how to respond when children experience academic struggles. There are so many possible factors that could be affecting their performance—low self-esteem, test anxiety, boredom, family stress, social challenges, emotional struggles, or a combination of these. It’s also important to consider whether there could be a learning issue.

If a child’s basic needs aren’t being met, or their focus is tied up in other concerns, it can be incredibly difficult for them to feel motivated to learn. The best place to begin is by trying to understand the root cause. Whatever the issue may be, our response should always come from a place of loving support.

More Than Just Grades

I’d love to share a personal story from our own experience, one that gave us insight, taught us patience, and reminded us that growth doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.

Both of my parents were educators, and I now work in education myself as a school-based counselor. Education has always been deeply important to me, and naturally, I wanted our boys to do well in school. I assumed it would matter to them as much as it mattered to me. But as many parents learn, it’s not always that simple.

Rather than pushing hard on academics, we decided to concentrate on building strong character. Both boys were bright and capable, but the truth is, they sometimes lacked motivation and put in minimal effort when it came to schoolwork.

Raising Motivation from the Inside Out

From time to time, we’d sit down together to check the school’s online grading portal and see how things were going. Honestly, those moments could be a bit shocking. I eventually realized it helped if I took a quick peek beforehand, just to mentally prepare myself and plan how to respond calmly.

I remember one particular time when one of our boys was in middle school. We sat down side by side to log in and check his progress. Thankfully, I’d already given myself a little sneak peek, so I was ready. He had a few really great grades, and a couple that were… not so great. Our conversation went something like this…

Mom: “Oh, look at that! An A in PE, well, you’ve always loved PE.”
Hunter (beaming): “Yeah!”
Mom: “And a B in Language Arts. You know, I’ve noticed how much more you’ve been enjoying reading this year. You must feel pretty good about that grade.”
Hunter: (nods)
Mom: “Ohhh dang… a D in Spanish. That’s probably tough to see. And another D in Math.” (gently, with empathy) “Hmm. Well, son, you know Dad and I are here for you. If you need help, whether it’s a tutor or something else, we’ll figure it out together. You can always come to us.”
Hunter: “Yeah… I think a tutor would help. Can we look into that?”
Mom: “Of course, if that’s what you think would help. We’ll make it happen.”
Mom: “Now let’s take a look at the rest of your grades… Oh, it looks like you’re getting an A in History! I’ve noticed you really seem to enjoy that subject. Is that true?”
Hunter: (smiling) “Yeah, I like the stories. It’s actually fun.”

The conversation continued without anger, frustration, or lectures. I was able to support him through it, and he came to his own conclusions about what he needed. He was able to do that because he felt supported. Sitting beside him, literally and emotionally, removed any need for defensiveness.

Had he chosen not to take responsibility for his grades, the conversation might have gone in a different direction. But instead, he made a decision that positively impacted his life. It was a turning point, and it all started with a calm, respectful conversation.

Fast forward to the end of high school…

One day, our son came home and told us about how all his friends were completely freaked out about their final grades as they graduated. They were worried about what their parents would think, what their next steps would be after high school, how their grades would look to the colleges they hoped to attend, and so on.

They were surprised that he wasn’t panicking too, especially since his grades were pretty average. When they asked him why, he simply said, “You know, my parents always thought there were more important things than grades.”

We looked at each other and smiled. Yes, we had always believed that character mattered most, and we were so thankful he had truly embraced that message.

Fast forward to community college…

At one point, he talked about dropping out, he still didn’t love school. We told him we’d support whatever decision he made, but we also explained that if he chose to leave, we’d need to discuss rent and other expenses now that he’d be stepping into the “self-supporting world.”

I think that was a bit more than he expected, because he decided it was best to stay in school. Even then, he often did just the bare minimum. He once joked to me about how he’d figured out how to do very little work and still pass all his classes. My response? “Wow, I wonder how that’s going to work out for you down the road.”

We also had a policy: if he failed a class, he had to pay us back for the cost of it. We were always happy to cover classes, as long as enough effort was made to pass.

Fast forward once again…

Finally, he made a clear decision about his future, and since then, he has continued to amaze us! Now 28 years old, he earned his Bachelor’s degree, graduating Summa Cum Laude, the highest distinction. It’s remarkable to think that this is the same kid who once focused on doing the bare minimum just to pass his classes. I’ll never forget how disappointed he was the day he received an A- in graduate school, a testament to how far he’d come and how high he now set the bar for himself.

His passion for learning grew immensely. He completed his master’s program and now plans to pursue a PhD. He accomplished all of this while balancing marriage, working a full-time and a part time job, and welcoming a new baby into their family. Truly, this young man is incredibly motivated!

It brings us so much joy to witness his transformation, from a kid who hated school, put in minimal effort, and seriously considered dropping out of community college to the driven, accomplished adult he is today.

What’s most meaningful is that all these changes came from within him, his own motivation, not because we pushed or told him what to do. When parents step back and allow their kids to make their own decisions, learn from mistakes, and experience natural consequences, kids come to understand that their lives improve when they make good choices.

Isn’t that what we all want for our children, to find that intrinsic motivation to lead fulfilling, successful lives?

It’s a wonderful reward for them, and honestly, it feels pretty great as parents, too. Watching them grow into capable, confident individuals, driven by their own sense of purpose, is one of the greatest joys we can experience as parents.